Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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