matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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