Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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