There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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