you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
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Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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