and you said cock pushups were impossible
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He felt like a one man threesome
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
