"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
