maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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