So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
