No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
