I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
