Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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