I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
