he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
