did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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