Texts From Last Night

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  (620): View more from Kansas

  my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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  (620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!" (785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me? http://tfl.nu/e8og
  Replies (37) Good night (1043) Bad night (3844)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.

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  (518): Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird. http://tfl.nu/mxsq
  Replies (8) Good night (744) Bad night (2194)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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  (773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw
  Replies (29) Good night (22413) Bad night (1126)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."

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  (407): I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr." http://tfl.nu/64va
  Replies (14) Good night (1079) Bad night (2819)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious

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  (847): The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious http://tfl.nu/2wct
  Replies (37) Good night (5106) Bad night (824)
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.

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  (210): I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper. http://tfl.nu/rcv4
  Replies (76) Good night (4888) Bad night (2097)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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  (201): if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter. http://tfl.nu/wtfv
  Replies (27) Good night (5217) Bad night (1244)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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  (401): I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy. http://tfl.nu/4ar4
  Replies (38) Good night (6018) Bad night (1330)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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  (760): My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this? http://tfl.nu/9ow4
  Replies (8) Good night (7486) Bad night (1133)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

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  (304): You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar. http://tfl.nu/zoyd
  Replies (1) Good night (3725) Bad night (912)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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  (708): if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again http://tfl.nu/p1ce
  Replies (14) Good night (7267) Bad night (1542)
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!

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  (504): As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!! http://tfl.nu/d5pb
  Replies (18) Good night (3307) Bad night (826)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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  (907): Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen http://tfl.nu/aug1
  Replies (14) Good night (1023) Bad night (2710)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"

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  (843): Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty" http://tfl.nu/jvva
  Replies (1) Good night (1486) Bad night (488)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  I don't know what to say

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  (248): Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud? (1-248): I don't know what to say http://tfl.nu/pf22
  Replies (1) Good night (594) Bad night (508)

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