yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
