At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated