After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
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I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.