I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
