why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
