Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
