TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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