dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
