I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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