Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
