My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
