Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she told me i tasted like america
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
