my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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