I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
