When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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