Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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