do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
