There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
