you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Randomize
