I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
