You made me cry and you don't even care
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
