i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
