Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
