I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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