I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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