Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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