Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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