I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
