I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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