Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
