I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
