"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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