This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
