You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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