Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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