my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
