I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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