I never want to see another naked old woman again.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
