you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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