im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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