He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
