Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
